Seeing Through the Fog
Writing has been the last thing on my mind. This last year has been a doozy for sure. Getting my mental health in check sounded great until it got tough. But let’s be honest, nothing great comes easy.
Hitting rock bottom emotionally, suffocating with and by pain and being paralyzed by fear, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. That is where I was October 2020. Fast Forward to now, I’m happy to say I am beginning to see through the fog. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still foggy and there are plenty of hard days, but I’m so thankful that I can recognize my triggers and when I’m regressing.
Like I said at the beginning, writing is the last thing I wanted to do. I couldn’t see how I was supposed to write in the midst of the hardest season of my life. My sister, Eb, even in the midst of this, kept reminding me to write. Whether it was journaling or whether it was blogging, she felt that I needed to get all of this hurt and pain out. She felt that it needed to be shared for anyone that would read it.
I must pause and say that during this hard season, God has brought some amazing people in my life. And He has shined a bright light on those that were already there. And of course He removed some as well. I’m so thankful for the adding, light shining and removal. These people, who know who they are, are simply amazing. I mean, flat out amazing. And these are not “yes” friends. These are raw, real, loving encouraging and faithful friends. Yes! Thank You, God. Many days I feel so undeserving of these friendships. Hopefully, I will be able to share them with you all one day. They are very special.
Back to seeing through the fog. There is no perfect way to navigate through life’s tough seasons but one thing is for sure, you will get through it. To get me from a place of wanting to commit suicide, and feeling like I’m drowning took recognizing I needed help. Yes, I’m a Christian and believe God can change anything in a blink of an eye. The help I was needing was not and did not need to change in the blink of an eye. My mind and heart needing some real deal healing. Thirty- two plus years of healing to be more specific. Would I like God to change all of this in the blink of an eye? Of course, but then, what lesson would I learn? Although this has been a long, hard and tough lesson, it’s needed. Period.
Trust me, as I’ve gone through this, I haven’t done it perfectly. I’ve misstepped. I’ve misspoken and had plenty of more misses. I’m still standing. I haven't liked everything my therapist has said, but I needed to hear it. As I’m writing this, I’m listening to a song by Kirk Franklin, “Miracles.” Now, a year ago, I would have never thought of myself or anything that has happened in my life a miracle, but I am. Y’all, I am here. October 2020, I wanted to stop drowning, stop suffocating. I just wanted the pain to stop. And if that meant killing myself, that’s what I was going to do. But God…He had another plan. And the fact that I’m still standing that’s a miracle. Miracle!
I don’t know what you are going through. It may not be as serious as suicidal thoughts or attempts. It may be but please believe, you will get through. For me, this was my formula,
Faith (God)
Therapy
Friends/ Family
Trust the Process
Put one foot in front of the other
Sit in the situation and feel. Just don’t stay in it.
Remember you matter, your voice matters and you are strong.
The formula isn’t perfect and not for everyone but it is working for me. And you can find what works for you . Just know, it may be foggy right now, but you will, at some point, begin to see through it.
PRAYER- Father, whatever pain, shame, guilt or hurt we may be going through, You can get us through. That is just who You are. You sent Your ONLY Son and He went through them as well. Father, please help us navigate through our foggy times. Remind us to give ourselves grace, love and take it one step at a time. And remind us of Your presence. Lord we love You. In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.